Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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