Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
