Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
