Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
