you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
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You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
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I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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