I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
