after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
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Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.