I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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