I accidentally had phone sex last night
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
