My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize