Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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