Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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