He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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