I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
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No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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