so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
