If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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