Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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