And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
