Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
