If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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