I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
