One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
