i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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