she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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