He uses pillows to masturbate.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We need to get me chipped asap
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
