I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
How does it feel to date your dad?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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