I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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