Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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