Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
