Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
