my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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