I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
