Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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