I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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