Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
