Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
