Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
