i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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