I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
