Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
