He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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