dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
