I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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