im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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