i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
