You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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