No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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