Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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