I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
