I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
