see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
