I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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