Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
