after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's official drugs can't kill me
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
