i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
