I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
