I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
