The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
