If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
