she woke up with a sticky ear
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
